I Need A Tivo For A Brain.....

Memories are a funny thing. I remember being a kid and wishing that time would speed up a little so Christmas would be there sooner. I remember as a teenager that my High School years would hurry up so I could stop flipping burgers at Tastee Freeze and go to college. I remember during college that I wished time would speed up so that I could stop taking so many classes and get on with my life. And now at times with my kids, I wish time would speed up so the anxiety of teenage years is behind me, all potty training is done, dealing with all the "female" issues I'll have to deal with is over with, all the tantrums are just a distant memory. But then I stop and remember.

I loved summers as a child. I got to ride my bike everywhere. Spend as much time as I wanted at my Grandmothers. Read books until my eyes burned. Catch lightenbugs and fill up the jars for our collection. Walk barefooted to the community swimming pool. Lay back and stare at the clouds and planes that flew by and wonder what my life would be like.

I loved working at Tastee Freeze (and High School for the most part). I loved working. I enjoyed the friends that I made there. Closing every night I worked. Sampling ice cream. Seeing all my favorite people in our town. Life was good. I had my old reliable Ford Pinto and money for gas. What more could you ask for.

I loved college too. I loved learning new things. There was always those special teachers that opened your eyes to new ways of thinking about the world around you and made you "want" to do better in that world. I loved feeling insulated from the world but ready to try it out.

And I love watching my kids grow. There are just days that I sigh way too much. Days that I feel like if another person touches me my skin will explode. Days that I tell myself that I REALLY do love my children. Those special days where everything seems so right. The kids really do love each other. They will be loving and caring when they grow up. Those moments when my 3 yo will pat my cheek and say "no more sleep. Open you eyes momma!" and give me a kiss. Moments when my 5 yo talks about the new baby and how she will be a great big sister and take care of her forever and ever. Moments when my 8 yo acts like the child she still is but I see that glimpse of the woman that is in there. Moments when my 11 yo reminds me that he is not a "kid" anymore and will be ok without me around all the time. I wish my brain had a Tivo button so I could replay those back. Especially during the times I have to convince myself that I really DO LOVE my kids. ~grins~